When you breakup with a romantic partner because of cheating or just purely you didn’t work out because of disagreements, it’s a time full of emotions but in the end you get that trajectory of growth to pursue being better, that they’ll regret leaving you or you’re gonna find someone more fit because of the traits you realize you didn’t like. Whatever it is, it sets up a goal infront of you, in pursuit of path that you CAN find someone and you will.
That’s what I’m jealous about, that’s what I miss and that is what I want. Because when you find a soulmate, and lose them, you end up in this dead end asking, what now? You find this perfect being based on your dreams, that their strengths and compatibility far outweigh their quirks, not only that but they pursue to find compromise with you to make the relationship work. That in itself is the closest to a perfect person I have ever met and shared my heart with. When individuality was second only to being one entity, as what marriages are meant to be.
And I lost that, I lost him.
In this life we’re taught to grow ourselves to be the best we can be and not only for ourselves, but for the future of others, to the ones you will love and of course, to your soulmate the most, because they will be the ones to inherit the best and the worst of you: Your greatest dreams and your worst fears. It’s easy to tell people your the best part about you, cast a vision, make people’s eyes light up, inspire, direct and motivate, impress, flirt and make the crowd cheer you on. On the other hand, it is true connection to tell people what makes you weak, what makes you dark and undesirable. It’s that stage where you transcend flirting, friendship and anything more than just romance. It is when you come so clean they have dirt on you that’s worth leaving you but they don’t. They chose you as a whole not as the marketed product you are while dating.
In this era of digital age, where dating is as inconsequential as window shopping and communication changed from courtesy rather than a necessity, finding true love feels like shooting through a brick wall hoping it hits the center mark but I found it against all odds and I lost it in the same odd.
So, how do I share a pain so great that demands to be felt?
I never thought of myself as emotional. When we’d get into quarrels because of his jealousy or anxiety, I’d just talk with him, rationalize why it doesn’t make sense and we’d align back. But this pain, this pain and emptiness crushes all willpower. I can’t identify right from wrong, day from night, up or down. Everyday feels hazy and living is just millions of excuses distracting from dying. Do I have to live a life where I was wrong in the most parts of it and disregarding the best part or do I live on with losing what it was worth living for in the first place?
Everyday I get love I don’t think I deserve, nor do I feel it but I just know it exists.
I guess this is connected to the idea of being the irony of Christian and being homosexual. When you’re raised by the idea that your community treats you as a joke and both God and them find you disgusting, who then can and will love you other than your co-outcast? Hence I never believed in their love, or at least have always been wary of it as more of a courtesy to a disabled, that at the back of their heads they’re still hoping and will rather love a miracle they’re counting on than someone that already exists.
You can never imagine the additional pain of hearing that the death of my most treasured person to ever appreciate the true and all of me is “for the best of me.” If I’m such a mistake, it should have been me.
It should have been me.