I want you to know I’m losing

I honestly don’t know how to start this, I just know I have to before I don’t get a chance to anymore. I’m not sure if this is a age crisis, a physical deterioration or a mental one. All I can say is, I find everything hard, I feel like every time I’m trying, I do on what seems to be on overdrive just to give a tiny drop of effort. It’s exhausting and I have to cry every day to let the steam out of my system.

The world is caving and I know I’m loved. I know that, I feel that, I just, don’t know how I can’t absorb it. I have it all right in front of a glass, like a zoo or a museum. Something to cherish, to experience but never something to own.

The world is surging at me like a tidal wave and I’m fading in and out of consciousness as if gasping for air against raging ebbs and flow of water. I’m fighting these battles and with people I love for that matter but it’s hard to see horizon on where I win, where I survive.

I want to survive.

It expands inside me, it feels empty and cold and yet it’s inviting. I would really like some rest please.