My name is Kevin and I would’ve killed my Lord.

“God, I will kill you someday.” I bawled in rage. Faith fell as false facts fabricated in my form. My body was weary, my mind was numb. I was desperate for a good productive day to succumb to a existential disheartened stature. Nothing went my way and I felt like a total failure, but I couldn’t accept the fault to myself so I diverted it to someone else.

Cupid can’t control my contrive (please)

Saturday was an unusual day for me, Valentine’s and I’m alone at our home-office working proceeding to be productive in work instead of sulking at the glory of my single life. While my mind aimed to be productive, my body chose to be irritable and burdened. I can’t figure myself out.

In frustration of my situation and the lack of control upon elements I don’t have any power on, I proceeded to shake my fist against God stating phrases like:

  • You aren’t real!
  • You’re just a cosmic killjoy who finds reason to make me unhappy!
  • You aren’t the first being in existence and I pray that you may be judged by your higher authority!
  • I will overcome you!

Frankly, God felt like some Greek mythology, and I was some kind of superhuman destined to overcome this immortal deity — the glorious fantasy of a masculine conquest. It doesn’t end there though, concepts such as:

“What if God was actually a selfish being instilled to prolong His existence through the harvesting of human spiritual inclination of praise and admiration to His essence? So if this is so, Satan must be a protagonist in aiming to raise awareness and lessen the lifespan of God through directing the mortal populace to lower the supreme to a state of vulnerability. My enlightenment couldn’t have came from God so, thank you Satan.”

I don’t know how I got this low, but I did. It’s a lot of regret to actually entertain thoughts, but more than mind matters it proceeded to exit my tongue into air.

Reality rewards really relentlessly

Sunday came and I was out with my brother Sean for a scheduled activity. I proceeded to ask him about my state of rebellious impulse.

Ahia, have you ever shook your fist against God?” I asked out of the blue. He took his time in letting out a short “Hmmm…” and proceeded to conclude from what he can recall on his life’s events.

When I say malas ko naman. I feel like I exclude the fact that God exists and is in control of my life. I would say that is if not the worst the way I do shake my fist against Him.

My concern for my act grew as my immaturity and irresponsibility for my faith and temper became more obvious to myself. In response to a very interesting erratic ice breaker on the road, he proceeded to ask details about my inquiry, I obliged. I told him my story and opinion of the situation on how erratic my relationship is.

Your impudence might be a by product of your discontentment in your life.” He stated in a casual tone.

It might sound that he was throwing darts to a dartboard he had no experience on but let me tell you, to my realization, it hit the red mark spot on.

Recently Ive been having qualms in my life on chasing against time; achievements, material and goals are starting to pass by me and different more talented and charming individuals are each getting their heart’s desires in a whim. It isn’t fair, I tried to do my best but only to fail — actually, worse than fail, I am mediocre, I never failed but I never succeeded either. I lived life without the need, only wants, wants that I could never covet. In my conceit, I never showed this weakness of mine, I stood stalwart so some might confuse me for a self-made individual — again a lie, I’m not. I lived life under the sustenance of God, my brother and my parents.

It goes to say, my natural reaction to that keen precise observation against me might be to reflect on myself on how I see my existence and reality around me. It hurts to say and realize that what I’ve been living is wrong and I’m in need of a reformation about my lifestyle and thought. Afterall, my brother’s life is evidence of his words, for me to refuse his advice would be the equivalent of me working on a hypothesis that water is dry.

Who made God?

A book by Ravi Zacharias and Norman Geisler was the perfect book for my retaliation quotes. Sean had it in his library but hasn’t found the time to read it yet, the opportunity was there to kill my doubts, I took it home and was pleased with sound logic of their answers to some of my life’s questions.

It’s one thing to know God, it’s another to have a relationship with Him. I’ll be honest, I lack a lot on the second matter than the first. I am more curious learning about His existence, essence and epitome from people rather than asking it from Himself. I guess that’s my flaw in this belief which I am bound to correct. Although, I have to say, this book helps me have sound faith in an impossible God.

I quote its impressive answer to the question: What was God doing before He made the world?

God didn’t have any time on his hands, since there was no time before time was created. Time began with creation. Before creation, time did not exist. So there was no time for God to have on his hands. The world did not begin by a creation in time but by creation of time. But you may think, if there was no time before time began, what was there? The answer is, eternity. God is eternal and the only thing prior to time was eternity.

The common thought is we see eternity and time at the same plane, where time was the start and eternity is the continuous end. What is natural logic might not be factual, and to start pondering beyond about our existence helps to confirm how our comprehension is no match as a parallel swipe to the vastness of Him who is eternity.


If it doesn’t feel implicit enough, I would like to acknowledge my brother as an acting messenger of God to correct, rebuke and direct me to a better path for my life, faith and future. Thanks Ahia.

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