The Crown of Authority

It’s been five years that I haven’t seen someone I wanted to. After so long, I took the guts to actually schedule a date on which we could meet up and where, have lunch and just get some updates about our lives. I was excited, I slept last night thinking all about it that at last, after the long wait and the hurdles in between, this is it it’s going to happen.

It didn’t.

Conflicted

We got a message from a client today about their wavering decision to pursue collaboration with the company, I got a call to tell me we are in a make or break situation that can determine our future and contract to this certain well paying client. My first thoughts?

• “I filed a vacation leave today in due process.”
• “This is the the only time I get to the schedule an arrangement to meet with a friend after so long this is the first in 5 years that would push through.” (and as predicted, I couldn’t set up one anymore)
• “We’re currently missing our beloved dog Teddy, and the lack of hope in the situation really is corrupting my outlook, disposition and energy. I don’t need to add more poison for my day.”
• “I really need a break, I’m too tired and stressed out at the office, I need fresh air to breathe for a day to change my perspective and renew my vigor.”

But guess what? Out of all the choices I could defend my reason to leave, I have to conclude that the choice was either my selfish desires or the good of the team. These clients are the ones who provide what we cherish here at the office together, they are the reasons why we get to know each other, stay under the same roof, collaborate as a team and live as a family. Even if you tell me its just one client or service, the amount could possibly be the ones paying for 2 or 3 of our teammates, and I don’t want to lose even just one of them.

Kinesis

Even as I write this on the solitude of my room, I will be honest. I am bitter and sad with my loss that no one shares with me, I only have this to myself to carry with a sacrifice of nothing concrete for our future. Only one thing is for certain, at the final hour, I gave this one something prized and what I can. If we lose this one, I’m sorry team but I couldn’t save it.

The notion that I could’ve left it to my two new talents with the tasks or to delay the development for tomorrow is possible but I already felt the air of urgency and unease. Sometimes you have to pick a harsh choice, and I made one. With a heavy heart I took the path that affects grander in scale but now I’m left with quite the sadness knowing I have lost something I hold dear.

If you knew me well, you would know that if I would travel a distance to go to someone, s/he holds value that I place above mere friends. And I’m not a friendly person, I could count the people that treated me well and/or I treat well with my fingers, all else falls on a class A acquaintance. So, I have a high standard for who I place my time to, this one is one of whom I am inclined. I would’ve traveled 22km for this occasion but I indirectly traded it for the comfort of the office.

Being in a position that affects the attitude and principles of those around you that perceives your character as a guide in the way to execute performance, you would really need to kill the natural tendencies. I really do wish that in that opportune time that I took the request, I took it like a boss and knock off the service as one of the ticket in the everyday pile, but this time I live as what I wish the team to be, be concerned about what matters and affects more than self.

Not all sacrifices are visible.