The Need for Momentum

You know how they say that motivation/inspiration is actually created by discipline? It’s quite the idea, but either has neither posessed me lately, so I’m doing anything I can to receive that purpose in life.

There are already things I know I’d want to happen such as:

  • Update my web design
  • Be able to send out my CVs to different companies
  • Follow a daily exercise regimen + Yoga
  • Cook lunch
  • Coack weekly

It’s always very invigorating at the start to think I’m going to do something great, but it’s tiring not to see the immediate results honestly. Having few patience is definitely one of my weakness. I like to see consequence immediately.

So now, tis is me writing to remind myself: Not all worth doing will return benefits immediately. The beauty is in the wait, the grind and most of all, the discipline to see it through.

I truly wish though, that there’s that someone who has the exact same enthusiasm for improvements from a low point like me. Working with high players sometimes hits the self-esteem harder than what I can manage.

Procrastination Progression

It’s so frustrating that even when I get to break down a task into less than two minutes, fear still overwhelms me to set it aside for later.

I’m looking for a job for next year, or for December, and to do that, I’ve placed the challenge that I should send out my CV to atleast 2 companies. Truth be told, I’m having a hard time and there are days I fail to meet this criteria because I’m too scared about what will happen. Though, when you think about it, the worst that can happen is that I just get ignored. There really is something wrong with me, and how much I feel failure that I have to get through. If anything, this is the greatest weight I have right now that’s impeding my progress. Kent is already in a fast track to his success and I must keep up.

Oh, my car broke down yesterday after going to my college Alma Mater. Some pipes under the hood broke that made water and oil get everywhere and the aircon had a smoking scent. Thankfully as well as sadly, it broke down on a gocery about 15mins from home. It’s been fixed today for a hefty sum and I’m again backpedalling on my finances.

Life has been kinder to me these days. I am able to get a breather. The danger is getting too comfortable about it which I do not want to happen. Kent and I broke up because of my undiscipline and complacent attitude, I need to fix this before I reach Australia for good.

We had a video call today before sleeping at last. You can’t imagine how cute he looked when he called. His cheeks was very soft, eyes mysterious as teh night sky and smile as warm as dawn. Sadly, he was very tired, as when it was 11pm in Manila, it was 1am at Darwin. But things are getting more interesting and connected, I really look forward for the dominos falling into place for his life. I really hope our relationship does get to be part of it.

Creating Habits before 2022 ends

One of the hardest thing about creating a habit is being discouraged by failing to meet the routine. Sometimes the repetition becomes boring and meaningless and I lose sight of the goal of why I did it. I’m not sure if I made a habit already this 2022 but I’m going to start one to be better for me and Kent.

I think by far the easiest for me to unload my mental and emotional stress is here, writing things out from what I feel and think. It’s by far a helpful journey for me to have an online journal to document my thoughts.

Next, I’d like to work out on my chest and arms, doing 50 pushups a days would be nice if I could make it, as well as morning Yoga to help with my flexibility and blood flow.

Lastly is to drink tea. I’ve heard about its benefits and I would like to live a longer life and be able to retire well in this life. My family has always been at risk of colon cancer, and among my siblings, I just might have the best chance of getting it.

Colonoscopy is neither both a pleasant or cheap experience to get it regularly everything I get a pain down there, hence I’ll just improve my diet to ones that have the most prevention of it occurring with me.

If you’re still reading this, thank you. It matters to me that my whispers are heard by someone who cares. To us, and our better future my friend.

Healing first

A huge part of me feels guilty for moving out of work, for taking my time of and getting some space for myself which only became possible because of my brother’s gracious offer to exit from the company.

In that time that I’ve gotten that distance I am slowly understanding what I’m built for, and how I’ve chosen to ignore it for the comfortable, for the familiar and for the compromise. Each and every day, I realize something new about myself and it’s both bittersweet to have left it hanging for so long.

I’m glad that I have the luxury to take this kind of rest. To balance out the time I’ve given for 11 years. I may not have done it as me, but I am sure I’ve nurtured that organization to the best of my abilities.

Maybe it’s just mindset too. We’ve never really had a great work-life balance to say that there’s nothing looming at the back of our heads even on a weekend. I’ve also committed myself to the mission that I would always put it above being present on occassions. By my current setting though, I’ve afforded the ability to put it on second from my focus which did a lot for my healing.

There’s so much anxiety going around, as well as losing self-confidence, worth and meaning by a lot of individuals. While its not the absolute cure, creating a safe space outside of work where you can really put you first does create a difference in understanding the unique life we are meant to take on.

I hope that as I start my healing journey, that you can find the courage to start yours as well. If anything, I would really love to help, life was meant to be social, to be for each other. A lot of us lost that idea in the pursuit of career and business.