I Survived the 2020 thanks to: You.

2020 was chunk full of ironies in my life. The biggest being I have been freed of the shame I kept ever since puberty but at the same time I do not want this freedom I have been craving anymore.

Life has never been the same ever since I lost Maico. I have lost my sharp memory, my organization, my confidence and my will to just live well and long. Love has been trivial, confusing and something I don’t understand once again. Like a mosquito: I know it’s there, I have its company, I itch with it but I don’t know how its existence is beneficial.

I thought I was well till the holidays turned out, and again, I have felt the most alone that I have ever been in the company of others and my family. Actually, it might not be a feeling of “alone” but rather, hollow. Like my heart is missing, and I’m seeing my present in a theater of whose main character I can’t relate or be interested on.

I’m still lost, and I still don’t know how to overcome grief no matter how much I study, no matter how much I try but one thing I do know is that I had fleeting moments without grief all because of you. I survived 2020 because you were part of my life.

Because you have acknowledged Maico and my loss, that you offered your condolences regardless of what your church tells you, or what your family believes in. You acknowledged that I can love him, not as just a friend or a phase but a partner, something that really meant a lot to me and my future.

Because you offered your friendship to me, that I can see your good days in your wall, your adventures that I felt I have shared with. The memes that bring out a good chuckle in the midst of the darkness looming over my head. As well as the opinions you have the courage to share to know that I’m not alone in my fight against this world.

It is also the chats that not a lot of people have the valor to ask a broken man of “How are you?” even when you expect to just be seen or be given a stale reply. I liked to be asked, sometimes I just don’t have the heart to drag you down with me to the abyss.

The love you have given, the care that you shared, even when it was just a like on my posts, it was enough. Because any amount of time, even if just a second, helped me skipped the drop of being dragged down to the dark.

2021 has come and I want you to know what you do matters, as well as you matter. Whatever your history is, what ever your past is, is done. You can change your future with what you do now. Your words, your effort have power and influence, and it’s what you do with these that changes you from a statistic to a dent in the timeline. I’m not going to force you and say you should be, but you could be.

But if I may, do something a little more braver and reach out for a dream, make it a goal, and make it happen. I learned that not everyone gets a tomorrow and you might as well live trying than live dying.

2021 is a gift that not everyone got, whether you like it or not, might as well do the best with it.

The Pain of Losing the One

When you breakup with a romantic partner because of cheating or just purely you didn’t work out because of disagreements, it’s a time full of emotions but in the end you get that trajectory of growth to pursue being better, that they’ll regret leaving you or you’re gonna find someone more fit because of the traits you realize you didn’t like. Whatever it is, it sets up a goal infront of you, in pursuit of path that you CAN find someone and you will.

That’s what I’m jealous about, that’s what I miss and that is what I want. Because when you find a soulmate, and lose them, you end up in this dead end asking, what now? You find this perfect being based on your dreams, that their strengths and compatibility far outweigh their quirks, not only that but they pursue to find compromise with you to make the relationship work. That in itself is the closest to a perfect person I have ever met and shared my heart with. When individuality was second only to being one entity, as what marriages are meant to be.

And I lost that, I lost him.

In this life we’re taught to grow ourselves to be the best we can be and not only for ourselves, but for the future of others, to the ones you will love and of course, to your soulmate the most, because they will be the ones to inherit the best and the worst of you: Your greatest dreams and your worst fears. It’s easy to tell people your the best part about you, cast a vision, make people’s eyes light up, inspire, direct and motivate, impress, flirt and make the crowd cheer you on. On the other hand, it is true connection to tell people what makes you weak, what makes you dark and undesirable. It’s that stage where you transcend flirting, friendship and anything more than just romance. It is when you come so clean they have dirt on you that’s worth leaving you but they don’t. They chose you as a whole not as the marketed product you are while dating.

In this era of digital age, where dating is as inconsequential as window shopping and communication changed from courtesy rather than a necessity, finding true love feels like shooting through a brick wall hoping it hits the center mark but I found it against all odds and I lost it in the same odd.

So, how do I share a pain so great that demands to be felt?

I never thought of myself as emotional. When we’d get into quarrels because of his jealousy or anxiety, I’d just talk with him, rationalize why it doesn’t make sense and we’d align back. But this pain, this pain and emptiness crushes all willpower. I can’t identify right from wrong, day from night, up or down. Everyday feels hazy and living is just millions of excuses distracting from dying. Do I have to live a life where I was wrong in the most parts of it and disregarding the best part or do I live on with losing what it was worth living for in the first place?

Everyday I get love I don’t think I deserve, nor do I feel it but I just know it exists.

I guess this is connected to the idea of being the irony of Christian and being homosexual. When you’re raised by the idea that your community treats you as a joke and both God and them find you disgusting, who then can and will love you other than your co-outcast? Hence I never believed in their love, or at least have always been wary of it as more of a courtesy to a disabled, that at the back of their heads they’re still hoping and will rather love a miracle they’re counting on than someone that already exists.

You can never imagine the additional pain of hearing that the death of my most treasured person to ever appreciate the true and all of me is “for the best of me.” If I’m such a mistake, it should have been me.

It should have been me.

Letters to Maico: A series.

I was watching Youtube videos randomly and came across this phrase saying “thinking about stuff is not doing stuff.” and it hit me, that of all the things I could’ve done in this pandemic, this 3 months, I haven’t done a single thing — or to phrase it better, a thing that I can be proud of. Admittedly, to start something new in this draining, anxiety filled pandemic season is a huge demotivation by itself, but I think I owe it to the people I encourage, to be an example of what I want them to become and to do.

Regarding the title, I’m in a relationship with someone named “Maico” who happens to be in a hospital right now, confined, fighting a severe case of COVID-19. The bill has been Php235,000.00 last August 5 with him being confined for just 5 days then, and things haven’t been in the healing stage still. I’m worried and at the same time I cling on to hope.

It’s gonna be our 2 year anniversary this August 28.

I’m writing this series as letters to my partner whose potential to become great is so vivid in my eyes and yet he fails to recognize it. He may not be fearful, but he’s very much drawn to comfortable choices as well as logical excuses to take risks.

He saw himself as a good employee, a pacifist and a small candle in the dark world. I see him as the sun, a warm message and presence to multitudes eclipsed by insecurities, the past and fear of trying something new.

If that description sounds familiar and a little bit personal, I’m not surprised. A lot of people look at the mirror and feel the reflection of failure and/or being ordinary — misunderstanding the thin line between survival and contentment. Who wakes up with no actions to move upon goals and dreams but rather to autopilot and get through the day, being distracted on what really matters: Your Future.

I’m not saying that after reading, you’re going to get a roadmap clear as day infront of you, afterall each journey is personal and different. The road will never be lit to the end, it will always have cross roads and a lot of obstacles looming around sooner or later. My goal as I write this for my most treasured person in the world is not for you to reach perfection or the fullest potential but in the numerous message and lessons I write, I hope that one of those in the tens if not hundreds, inspires you to take another step beyond the fear, insecurity and uncertainty to something you have always wanted to become.

Messengers with a Mission

Imagine, you went to the clinic with your friend who got a diagnosis of a lethal disease but a curable one. Thing is, the doctor confided in you because he sees your maturity in handling the matter and the level of trust you are endowed. The doctor informs you of the medicine, the dosage and the frequency and sees you off, entrusting to you the future of someone who trusts you to know what’s the best for them.

You think, “Eh, it’s too early to tell them yet, the symptoms aren’t that bad yet, maybe it will get better.”

You delay it a little bit longer and see their appearance get worse but they’re still able perform their daily routine.

You think “Oh it’s getting better because the pain isn’t as bad anymore as they say.” You never assumed the idea that maybe they got immune to the pain.

Weeks after, you go back to the doctor. He asks you “Have you told them?” to which you reply “Not yet, the pain seemed to have subsided. I thought they might be recovering.” To which the doctor responded “Because of all this, the disease has spread and the chances are now slim to treat.”

The doctor proceeds to tell your friend their status and their options. They take their chance for the treatment and it fails.

Most critical matters are more than what the eyes can see.

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Is it the doctor’s fault that the message wasn’t delivered to the patient? Probably.

Is it your job to evaluate things if it’s better or worse? Probably you can, but not as much as the doctor’s.

Is it your responsibility to have told your friend the option to make them better? Absolutely.

Are you blameless when all things fall down because the doctor should have told them in the first place directly? No.

You know the people you are with, better. Contextually and emphatically, you can deliver the message best with urgency. If you feel you could not bear to take responsibility as a messenger, don’t pretend to be one. Pass the message to someone who can for we are all messengers with a mission everyday.

We are all gatekeepers of information, secrets and knowledge that can destroy or build someone up. Messages that come our way either in the spirit of fulfillment, trust or by chance happen for a reason. There is rarely a point worth discussing that has no power to change a person for the better or worse. But know this, a painful message is not exclusively meant to destroy a person, it can be to align their attitude to the greater good, and in the same way, a pacifist approach will not always be for the greater good, on other cases, it is only to feign the innocence of the messenger.

Playing stupid or ignorant is not at all an act of goodwill. You are robbing people of their ability to reap a better future. To hold information especially when the delivery is necessary, is to be selfish. If we are to receive a message, truth and/or a knowledge, it is our responsibility to be able to communicate it to the right recipient in truth and love.

Too much truth will communicate severity and too much love will send matters unsettled.

Similar to a pipe, we need to channel these knowledge to the required destination as processed with our filters. If the pipe chooses to clog and fail to serve its purpose, don’t be too surprised when matters bursts out of control.

I hope and pray that before things get too late, that you’re able to fulfill your mission, messenger. But if it gets too late, that you do not feign innocence, because when the time comes to bury the dead, you were actually one of the people digging their grave.