Procrastination Progression

It’s so frustrating that even when I get to break down a task into less than two minutes, fear still overwhelms me to set it aside for later.

I’m looking for a job for next year, or for December, and to do that, I’ve placed the challenge that I should send out my CV to atleast 2 companies. Truth be told, I’m having a hard time and there are days I fail to meet this criteria because I’m too scared about what will happen. Though, when you think about it, the worst that can happen is that I just get ignored. There really is something wrong with me, and how much I feel failure that I have to get through. If anything, this is the greatest weight I have right now that’s impeding my progress. Kent is already in a fast track to his success and I must keep up.

Oh, my car broke down yesterday after going to my college Alma Mater. Some pipes under the hood broke that made water and oil get everywhere and the aircon had a smoking scent. Thankfully as well as sadly, it broke down on a gocery about 15mins from home. It’s been fixed today for a hefty sum and I’m again backpedalling on my finances.

Life has been kinder to me these days. I am able to get a breather. The danger is getting too comfortable about it which I do not want to happen. Kent and I broke up because of my undiscipline and complacent attitude, I need to fix this before I reach Australia for good.

We had a video call today before sleeping at last. You can’t imagine how cute he looked when he called. His cheeks was very soft, eyes mysterious as teh night sky and smile as warm as dawn. Sadly, he was very tired, as when it was 11pm in Manila, it was 1am at Darwin. But things are getting more interesting and connected, I really look forward for the dominos falling into place for his life. I really hope our relationship does get to be part of it.

Creating Habits before 2022 ends

One of the hardest thing about creating a habit is being discouraged by failing to meet the routine. Sometimes the repetition becomes boring and meaningless and I lose sight of the goal of why I did it. I’m not sure if I made a habit already this 2022 but I’m going to start one to be better for me and Kent.

I think by far the easiest for me to unload my mental and emotional stress is here, writing things out from what I feel and think. It’s by far a helpful journey for me to have an online journal to document my thoughts.

Next, I’d like to work out on my chest and arms, doing 50 pushups a days would be nice if I could make it, as well as morning Yoga to help with my flexibility and blood flow.

Lastly is to drink tea. I’ve heard about its benefits and I would like to live a longer life and be able to retire well in this life. My family has always been at risk of colon cancer, and among my siblings, I just might have the best chance of getting it.

Colonoscopy is neither both a pleasant or cheap experience to get it regularly everything I get a pain down there, hence I’ll just improve my diet to ones that have the most prevention of it occurring with me.

If you’re still reading this, thank you. It matters to me that my whispers are heard by someone who cares. To us, and our better future my friend.

Healing first

A huge part of me feels guilty for moving out of work, for taking my time of and getting some space for myself which only became possible because of my brother’s gracious offer to exit from the company.

In that time that I’ve gotten that distance I am slowly understanding what I’m built for, and how I’ve chosen to ignore it for the comfortable, for the familiar and for the compromise. Each and every day, I realize something new about myself and it’s both bittersweet to have left it hanging for so long.

I’m glad that I have the luxury to take this kind of rest. To balance out the time I’ve given for 11 years. I may not have done it as me, but I am sure I’ve nurtured that organization to the best of my abilities.

Maybe it’s just mindset too. We’ve never really had a great work-life balance to say that there’s nothing looming at the back of our heads even on a weekend. I’ve also committed myself to the mission that I would always put it above being present on occassions. By my current setting though, I’ve afforded the ability to put it on second from my focus which did a lot for my healing.

There’s so much anxiety going around, as well as losing self-confidence, worth and meaning by a lot of individuals. While its not the absolute cure, creating a safe space outside of work where you can really put you first does create a difference in understanding the unique life we are meant to take on.

I hope that as I start my healing journey, that you can find the courage to start yours as well. If anything, I would really love to help, life was meant to be social, to be for each other. A lot of us lost that idea in the pursuit of career and business.

A Promise to Myself for 2023

Kent left yesterday to Australia for good. It’s bittersweet to see his dreams fulfilled but now he’s left a void here at home where his presence was very felt and cherished.

We’ve always planned that I’ll catch up, but in the state I was in back then, I never had the focus to see how urgent I should have attended to it. Thankfully, now that I’ve distanced myself, I’ve gained better clarity of my life and dreams I want to build.

Let’s start with the biggest: By next year, I want to be with Kent in Australia. Not as a visit, but rather as someone with the same PR Visa to live and work there. That means I have to process showing interest by this year, with his help, I know I can.

Next: I’ll work on my branding. As someone that started in web development and design, I should have a site not from a template but rather my own vision, especially the homepage. A site that would speak very well about my desire to be a grief and life coach, something that would help me get clients, and something that would solidfy my marketing skills.

I’ve also been looking to document my journey without Kent through video. To write about my progress in becoming a better man, being comfortable in being alone and going out of my comfort zone. Something similar to the way Matt D’Avella does it but I’m no videographer.

Life is changing fast and I have to adapt. The action points are to send 2 invitations for coaching and my CV to 2 companies everyday. I really hope, this time I could work in a place where mental health is well cared for and nurtured. In my grief, I experienced that people do suffer in stealth and silence and that’s not ok.

I hope 2023 will be wonderful, and more than hope, I have to lay done the foundations for it. Those promises are the foundations in my journey for the next phase of my life at 32.