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Letters to Maico: A series.

I was watching Youtube videos randomly and came across this phrase saying “thinking about stuff is not doing stuff.” and it hit me, that of all the things I could’ve done in this pandemic, this 3 months, I haven’t done a single thing — or to phrase it better, a thing that I can be proud of. Admittedly, to start something new in this draining, anxiety filled pandemic season is a huge demotivation by itself, but I think I owe it to the people I encourage, to be an example of what I want them to become and to do.

Regarding the title, I’m in a relationship with someone named “Maico” who happens to be in a hospital right now, confined, fighting a severe case of COVID-19. The bill has been Php235,000.00 last August 5 with him being confined for just 5 days then, and things haven’t been in the healing stage still. I’m worried and at the same time I cling on to hope.

It’s gonna be our 2 year anniversary this August 28.

I’m writing this series as letters to my partner whose potential to become great is so vivid in my eyes and yet he fails to recognize it. He may not be fearful, but he’s very much drawn to comfortable choices as well as logical excuses to take risks.

He saw himself as a good employee, a pacifist and a small candle in the dark world. I see him as the sun, a warm message and presence to multitudes eclipsed by insecurities, the past and fear of trying something new.

If that description sounds familiar and a little bit personal, I’m not surprised. A lot of people look at the mirror and feel the reflection of failure and/or being ordinary — misunderstanding the thin line between survival and contentment. Who wakes up with no actions to move upon goals and dreams but rather to autopilot and get through the day, being distracted on what really matters: Your Future.

I’m not saying that after reading, you’re going to get a roadmap clear as day infront of you, afterall each journey is personal and different. The road will never be lit to the end, it will always have cross roads and a lot of obstacles looming around sooner or later. My goal as I write this for my most treasured person in the world is not for you to reach perfection or the fullest potential but in the numerous message and lessons I write, I hope that one of those in the tens if not hundreds, inspires you to take another step beyond the fear, insecurity and uncertainty to something you have always wanted to become.

To the Two Great Gifts of my Life

It’s not in my personality to praise someone publicly as a general sense of gratitude or affection, but I believe after some turn of events and the reflection time given to me by my bed-rest sickness, I realized it’s very much deserved. I’ve had a recent bout with my parents about my conviction that clashed with theirs. I don’t quite agree with their conservative attitude which definitely is the opposite spectrum of my liberal point of view, but one thing stuck with me in that period and it’s the concept of honoring your parents. The quarrel subsided after two weeks with me retracting my actions as well. It wasn’t a best end but not a worst either to solve a problem. Now, I’m not really the most honorable man, nor did I dissect the word and coined respect on a cultured level (aka Japanese) but I would say I am the contrary and it’s pretty obvious from my social media that when birthdays come or a day made for the parent happens (Mother’s Day or Father’s Day) I don’t post a photo of my parents with a long note appreciating how they are. While a lot of my friends do it, I don’t. It’s not my personality and taste to do so, but neither do I do it privately, so there’s that lack of celebration again other than eating together. So, I’m taking this opportunity as I rest with a clear head and a rested body and mind to appreciate both people that sustained and were part of the development of who I am today:

To my mom

While I have so many opposing and critical views of your decisions and opinions, I have never failed to felt loved by you. While there are instances I did not appreciate you being in part of my good times, you have always been when I am in need. It’s pretty obvious you’re not the perfect mom, not that anyone can claim that actually. We had a not so good past with a lot of flaws, but it’s the way that you are able to sense when I need you that puts you at a huge difference from any other graceful lady with children. We know you tried to fill a lot of roles, a tutor, cook, consultant, secretary and now, even a pharmacist. Growing up, I appreciate you fulfilling those roles when we had no one to turn to. But for the pharmacist specifically, I still have my reservations about your choice of medication though they work when push comes to shove, everytime. One thing you should know is that they can already market themselves and you don’t have to sell it to us too hard. Your acts of service has always been felt, right now I’m taking this opportunity to acknowledge it. Thank you.

To my dad

I’ve told it to you and I will repeat it again and again, I am proud of the father you are growing to be. You’ve changed a lot for the better and I will always look up to you on that. You prove that nothing is impossible for anyone who has the desire to change. I’m sorry I always seem to forget the movies you ask me to download, for prioritizing work above you. I’ll get to work in putting measures to improve my value of urgency and I have great hope that I can improve because of you. I don’t know your love language honestly, but I know how much effort it takes for you to confront me each time I make a mistake or to remind me of possible temptations. While I honestly am not enthusiastic of such encounters, I do know it’s your way to tell me you care. I’ve always appreciated that. Ma, Pa, please take good care of yourselves, there is so much more good things to come. Even though we don’t really agree on a lot of things, I will do my best to honor you both in the means I know how and can do, and this is one of them. I love you :)

Getting Lost

# Getting Lost
Due to the vast data the information age brings to us, the amounts of endless possibility can turn from a positive connotation to a negative.

Havings so much thoughts on the different paths we could take and the skill, effort and investment to place in each alternative gets confusing, scary and anxious. After digesting a lot of information regarding leadership, productivity, the future and tech, I’m not sure anymore where to move next. While I do accept my present wholeheartedly, the future of all scares me.

Where will we go now? Where will I go from here on out? Is it safe to just follow where I am or take a different road with much resistance? I’m pretty sure a compromise will happen somewhere if not happening already. My work and what I do at this point is of lackluster to me. I need that spark that would ignite me to propel me forward once more.

There are so much project and opportunities I have wasted. My passion for code, the podcast and other probably sources of income. Please let me not make another mistake. Don’t let this be another mistake. I’m tired of making another already.