Learning How to Forgive

You see, this picture of the board which I haven’t touched for a year now had memory markings on it. Marks of the childish personality, love for fun, stupidity and random ideas of whose I used to love. Now, as I work in this spot once more, I have stripped this board with all the lines it holds just because some of it make me remember being betrayed.

You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.

– Desmond Tutu

It’s been a roller coaster ride for months now, for those that are wondering and haven’t caught up, I was just going through a break up. Although I wasn’t in full agreement to go our separate ways as I am a firm believer of adapting to circumstances and compromising with your partner, the opposite party was adamant it had to be done. So, I complied with some hesitation. It was fine, I really accepted there was a loss of spell in that period, it was dry and surviving. I would’ve been happy till the clues piled up and data points and blatantly spelled a different reason.

But enough about that, all you have to know at this point is it hurts to give everything to someone only to be replaced like trash. I’ve been betrayed by a friend, disappointed by my family but I’ve never felt more hurt to be given future to look forward to only for it to disappear not because the spark was gone, but the spark was given to someone else.

These days have been a struggle, I’m seeing that the 3 years I was given wasn’t all romantic, driven and pursuant as I have thought it was. It was seductive, complacent and striving. There was a disconnect on words vs. actions. It’s not how it started that matters, but how it ended.

To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that does not exclude hatred and anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.

However, when I talk of forgiveness I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator.

-Desmond Tutu on Forgiveness

I’ve been told that signs of being unfaithful are: you should be able to break up without remorse, you should have recovered fast from a breakup without a timespan to mourn, you would be happy immediately and of course, have someone right away. All these straight from the horse’s mouth.

I’m still not over it, It’s been months and I still have fits for anger, “what ifs” and low moments randomly, but if you look at the other party, it took less than a week to be better than ever. Suspicious? Yes. I was bitter that I couldn’t be better. It’s been months and I would still be mad that of all the things I gave, it wasn’t enough. It was ruining me and everyone around me because of my mood swings.

I’d always say that “I’ve forgiven”, but I’d still be furious when triggered about our story. “I’ve forgiven” but I wish he’d be hit by a car and most of all “I’ve forgiven” but the physical tokens left on my life still crushes me to this point.

In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. If you make a choice to forgive, you have to face the pain. You simply have to hurt.

-Joe as Quoted by Brené Brown

Maybe I’m still in denial we’re over, that all of the things I gave: time, money and effort have gone to a complete stranger from hereon out. I’m trickling all the pain down, taking each drop of poison as a bitter sting to my soul and senses. I wanted the past to live, the good version of our story but I guess not anymore, I’m facing the fire, I’m letting who we were die today. I’m choosing to be hurt that it did happen, this is what has become and I accept that not all people who seem good are good.

The first step in solving a problem is to recognize that it does exist.

-Zig Ziglar

Breakups will heighten your emotions. And emotions is going to turn your world upside down, you will always seem to be moving but most of the time not in the direction you desire, not in the direction of healing most of all. Being emotional takes more effort to move in the right direction, it always takes active participation to get into a destination you wish, which is being better. This time, with this posting, I make that decision, I will strive to be better.

I’ve never promised an answer on how to forgive, but I hope by staying with me you learned how. Although, from how understood it’s never instant, it’s a process but going through it makes you see that the wound wasn’t that big and hurts can be treated with the right care. The most painful part of it is the denial of reality, that the bad didn’t happen, it was a mistake and everything was supposed to be good.

Shit happened because of their selfishness, let’s get over it.

Forgiveness is not forgetting or walking away from accountability or condoning a hurtful act, its a process of taking back and healing our lives so we can truly live.

-Brené Brown

If you’re hurting or betrayed, it’s not easy to let go but do let go. It’s gripping on a mirror of truth and hoping that they’d see reality with their backs turned against us. They won’t, not at this time and not while we’re shoving it to them. Their truth is how they perceive it and what benefits them. People don’t like stories that paints them on the bad light no matter how factual it is. On the other hand, there’s no better time to work on what we can control, it’s time to let go. We need that reflection as much as they don’t want it. Let the mirror turn and face us: remind us of what we have, what we are and what is because not all is lost. Forgiveness after all, does not avoid pain but acknowledges hurt and choosing to move on with the experience to be part of our history.

Skills, Structures and Habits

One of the trending ideals in this extreme liberal ideology era is to “find yourself.” While I’m not going to discredit being unique, there is a study that it’s rarely because you’re born as one.

It’s not bad at all to make yourself to be one, that is of course one of the highest aspirations worth pursuing. The greatest threat to that goal is to consider yourself one while half-baked. Just because all baked breads are golden on top and you’re not doesn’t require acknowledgement. Do not flaunt a point wherein everybody passed to but never stopped to bask in.

Stagnation in this life is a weakness.

A great heartbreak in this age of technology is not not knowing how, but being mediocre on skills you’re interested on that some have mastered. Being highly skilled becomes a puzzle in which when people couldn’t figure out how, they excuse it as talent for birth to adulthood. While talent does boost interest, it is practice that makes the expert.

If you’re wondering why you’re not up there, maybe you’re stayed too long in being just good. Comfort after all is the greatest enemy of mastery and the highway to comfort is removing structure and taking pleasure everything you desire as possible.

The excuse of “This is me” is the common mistake against growth and expertise. No one likes to hear that excuse in any context. If you want it, you will strive for it. If you see it as important, you will integrate it into you’re life.

This is why habits are key and necessary. It’s easy to indulge yourself, it’s our instinct to do so. Waking up and opening Facebook or Instagram is being done by millions of individuals with a smartphone. What’s not natural is to go against your urges and fulfill goals first.

What Goals?

Well there should be small and big ones. Small ones entail improving discipline with tasks that could be done in a few minutes such as fixing the bed, drinking vitamins and being thankful. And big ones are most probably composed of stepping stones for your dreams or skills that could stretch for months and even years. While the big ones are what’s going to determine your future, the small ones are what’s going to make you achieve it. Never discredit one over the other.

The habitual goals can be something you enjoy but must always benefit you with repeated performance. Eating ice cream for dinner every week is a bad example for one. Studying experts and asking mentors is one of the best ways to go about it, remember it’s not what the champion does in the ring that makes him win, it’s the things he did before entering that determines it. Appreciate the process more than the result.

Time is Against You

Did you ever notice it’s half of the 2018 already? Have you bothered to ask what have you accomplished in your annual goals?

I did, and it’s not so near from what I want to be in terms of progress by this year.

Time is never for us, it is created to be against us, as a temporary duration to achieve success, reach enlightenment or acquire contentment. A lot of things are temporary and short in terms of satisfaction, quite worth if you want that sudden euphoria, but all of us has to remember that what’s worth more is what’s in it for the tomorrow, not today, things you can reap not in the present but for the far future. Everything you do that satisfies you now will be only but tales tomorrow.

What are you doing and where are your goals? If you’re lacking any initiative for your future, well, that might me a time where you can consider time as a “friend” instead. Live each day as a day of it’s own while exciting poses a lot of risk, if you’re willing to take it proceed. If you’re building a life for retirement start seeing with your mind’s eye rather than all things physical.

Time is a depleting resource. Each moment that passes, you can’t take it back, you can only make it count. There are a lot of matters in this world, matters that can be differentiated by two factors: appreciation and depreciation. Make sure what you’re investing on is worth more than becoming less as each second that passes is 1 second closer to us being just a memory.

What’s your Priority?

“I will restart my  podcast today.” is what I told myself 5 days ago. I still haven’t published one even up to this day.

It’s never about what you wanted, but how much you wanted it. It’s never enough to have a dream, an idea or a goal. It’s a matter of your discipline and progress on how you’re achieving it, and getting closer into accomplishing your vision.

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how. -Friedrich Nietzsch

A lot of people have ideas, great ideas, ideas that made people into billionaires and successful individuals to the general public. A lot of those ideas have also crossed the mind of different people, the notion of “I thought of that too.” is not an uncommon claim, what’s uncommon is the hard work, courage and focus placed into a concept that makes it work and unique.

I’ve promised myself a lot of things this year: A running podcast, a weekly 360 words blog and a 6 digit savings in my bank. It’s almost half of the year and I haven’t achieved or handled a good habit matching those three. Do they sound good? Yes. Do I want them? Yes. Do I enjoy the process of achieving them? Maybe. But most of the time, as much as I say they are my priority, my time goes elsewhere. After work, I take time to play a video game first and using my leftover minutes to improve my progress on them, is leftover time enough? Absolutely not.

Did I ever think gaming is my priority? Nope. But do my action say otherwise? Yes.

Follow your breadcrumbs, words are not enough, intention is not enough. What’s most important is your action and how you advance. If you can’t manage a ten, give yourself a one and a pat on the shoulder. Something is better than nothing. I don’t intend to stay this unproductive but without pro-active effort, I’d be burried this way. Ask yourself how much you want it, if it’s not enough to sacrifice your pleasures, don’t lie to yourself. They are not your priority.